Subject: Animals (Page 11)

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer
Animals Cats Husbands Marriage

It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Animals Food/Drink

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals

Animals may be our friends; but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director
Animals Friends People

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Cats

It is hard for the ape to believe that he has descended from man.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Animals People Science/Weather

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.

Activities Animals Proverbs

I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals People

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Dogs

We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens.


Animals Cats

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Places

Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.

Animals Cats Definitions

1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. 2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

Animals Money Murphy’s Laws

These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals Dogs

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals

At the zoo I like to watch the polo bears.

Animals Malaprops

Black beauty – he's a dark horse.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Animals

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Children Dogs Family People Rednecks