Subject: Animals (Page 15)

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Man is the only animal that plays poker.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

We better not, ya know, kill our chickens before they cross the road.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian

It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.

professional baseball player

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

(1893 – 1970) American writer, critic & naturalist

You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

50 Ways to Eat Cock

Taxidermist: A man who mounts animals.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Man is the only animal that blushes… or needs to.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president