Subject: Animals (Page 15)

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog; then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

American comedian
Animals Dogs Self

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

No matter which side of door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Animals Cats Dogs Murphy’s Laws

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

Animals Cats

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer
Animals

At the zoo I like to watch the polo bears.

Animals Malaprops

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Language

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Animals Characteristics Dogs Opinion

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Animals Dogs

I've seen insects walking around with kneepads.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Animals Exaggerations Places

I love my hunting dog… well I loved my hunting dog… I'm not very good at hunting.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Activities Animals Dogs

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Animals Definitions

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

Animals Dogs

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Animals Definitions Eating Food/Drink

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Work

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian
Animals Dogs