Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 15)
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities
Animals
Diaries
Horse racing
Jockey
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals
Divorce
Marriage
Money
(also Arthur 'Bugs' Baer)
Alimony
Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases.
Murphy's First Law of Biology
Animals
Murphy’s Laws
Experiments
Scientific American
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Speed
Man is the only animal that plays poker.
Don Herold
(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Activities
Animals
People
Poker
My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals
Food/Drink
We better not, ya know, kill our chickens before they cross the road.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Animals
Malaprops
Situations
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Situations
Geese
Pillow fight
It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.
Mickey Rivers
professional baseball player
Animals
Cold
Science/Weather
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Fear
Sharks
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Joseph Wood Krutch
(1893 – 1970) American writer, critic & naturalist
Animals
Cats
You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”
Gary Larson
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
The Far Side
Animals
Sharks
50 Ways to Eat Cock
Adrienne N Hew
Animals
Book Titles
Cooking
Food/Drink
Taxidermist: A man who mounts animals.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Occupations
Taxidermist
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Sports
Disgusting
Fishing
They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.
Anonymous
Animals
Expressions
Places
Situations
Rural
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Food/Drink
Animal crackers
Man is the only animal that blushes… or needs to.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Emotions
People
Blushes
A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs
Places
Women
Palm Beach
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
George Jean Nathan
(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Animals
Characteristics
Housefly
Optimism
I can make more generals, but horses cost money.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals
Government
Military
Money
Generals
Horses
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