Subject: Animals (Page 15)

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

Animals Cats

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Animals Dogs

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Animals Situations

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

That’s why they’re man’s best friend… ‘cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are; so do women, but they’ve already got men

(1957 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Men People

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

Yesterday I was a dog… today I’m a dog… tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement.

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Animals Dogs

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.

(1971 – ) American author, actor & humorist
Animals

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Book Titles Cats

'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' – that is the insect motto.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Situations

Man is the only animal that plays poker.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Activities Animals People

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Children Dogs

Did you know that a possum walking through a cornfield sounds exactly like three men with an ax?

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Animals Dogs Life Situations

Don't get mixed up between Pavlov and Pavlova, or you'll have salivating ballerinas and pirouetting dogs.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Animals Dogs

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations