Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Wednesday, February 12, 2025
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 17)
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals
Autos
Things
Deer
Road sign
Moose with calf injures woman near Grand Lake and both are put down by wildlife officials. Agree with the policy?
7NEWS Denver Channel
Animals
Headlines
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs
Friends
Money
People
Wives
A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs
Places
Women
Palm Beach
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Cats
Zebra: A horse behind bars.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Zebra
It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.
Mickey Rivers
professional baseball player
Animals
Cold
Science/Weather
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Edward Abbey
(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist
Age
Animals
Dogs
Friends
People
Relationships
As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.
Cleveland Amory
(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals
Cats
Characteristics
People
Patience
Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Fish
Noise
Oceans
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Speed
Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals
Cats
A man running for office puts me in mind of a dog that’s lost – he smells everybody he meets, and wags himself all over.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals
Dogs
Politicians
Campaigning
Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.
Lewis Thomas
Animals
Cats
All dogs look up to you; all cats look down to you… only the pig looks at you as an equal.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Animals
Cats
Dogs
People
Pigs
Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap, baits it, then steps on it.
John Steinbeck
(1902 – 1968) novelist
Accidents
Animals
People
Problems
Trap
You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”
Gary Larson
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
The Far Side
Animals
Sharks
That dog was so lazy he leaned against a fence to bark.
Anonymous
Animals
Characteristics
Dogs
Expressions
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Work
Big
Pet store
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals
Fear
Sharks
Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Horses
Luck
Page 17 of 22
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