Subject: Animals (Page 17)

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Moose with calf injures woman near Grand Lake and both are put down by wildlife officials. Agree with the policy?

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Zebra: A horse behind bars.

It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.

professional baseball player

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

A man running for office puts me in mind of a dog that’s lost – he smells everybody he meets, and wags himself all over.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.


All dogs look up to you; all cats look down to you… only the pig looks at you as an equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap, baits it, then steps on it.

(1902 – 1968) novelist

You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

That dog was so lazy he leaned against a fence to bark.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor