Subject: Animals (Page 17)

It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A cat walking into a room containing twelve seated people will jump into the lap of the person who hates cats the most.

Rattlesnake: Tattle tail.

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

(1864 – 1910) French author

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Chicken: An egg factory.

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad?

(1964 – ) American

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.

(1818 – 1885) humorist