Subject: Animals (Page 18)

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dogs Relationships

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

Attorney & entrepreneur
Animals

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Food/Drink

You know what, evolution is a myth; why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Animals Beliefs

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

Animals Cats

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Animals Proverbs

Life is like a dogsled team; if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Animals Dogs Life

Do you know why kosher meat is way more expensive? … Jewish animals are better negotiators.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Animals

Let sleeping ducks lie.

Animals Dogs Malaprops

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

Because he spills his seed on the ground.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Animals

Did you know that a possum walking through a cornfield sounds exactly like three men with an ax?

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Science/Weather

Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no-one starts lawsuits over their wills.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Animals

A man running for office puts me in mind of a dog that’s lost – he smells everybody he meets, and wags himself all over.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs Politicians

A cat walking into a room containing twelve seated people will jump into the lap of the person who hates cats the most.

Animals Cats Murphy’s Laws

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Animals

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Animals Situations

How can you tell if a Korean broke into your house?… your dog is missing, and your homework is done.

(1962 – ) American television host, actress & comedian
Animals Dogs People School

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Animals Dogs