Subject: Animals (Page 3)

You might be a redneck if… you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs People

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Animals Characteristics

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

(1864 – 1910) French author
Animals Money People

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents.

Animals Definitions

Smart as a tree full of owls.

Animals Expressions Intelligence Wisdom

Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ‘em more… fun to pet, better to chew.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Eating Food/Drink

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
Animals Relationships

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals Places

Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Animals Definitions

Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

Animals Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Animals Dogs Life Situations

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax… you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Animals Doctors Health

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Dogs Things

Bombproof Your Horse

Animals Book Titles

There are three types of intelligence: the intelligence of man, the intelligence of animals and the intelligence of the military… in that order.

(1911 – 1994) German film director & producer
Animals Intelligence Military

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Language

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Animals

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Animals Characteristics Dogs Opinion