Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 4)
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals
Moose
If man evolved from monkeys and apes… why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Kathleen Madigan
(1965 – ) American comedian
Animals
Science/Weather
Evolution
Monkeys
A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
Sean Lock
(1963 – ) English comedian & actor
Animals
Books
Communication
Giraffes
This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals
TV/Movie Quotes
As Captain Spaulding in “Animal Crackers”
Bears
A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle.
Ian Fleming
(1908 –1964) Scottish writer (James Bond)
Animals
Horses
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals
Dogs
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals
Communication
Criticism
Skunks
As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.
Cleveland Amory
(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals
Cats
Characteristics
People
Patience
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Characteristics
Fear
Snakes
You may have a dog that won’t sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she’s too stupid to learn how but because she’s too smart to bother.
Rick Horowitz
Animals
Dogs
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals
Situations
Bull
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Speed
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Lucy van Pelt
cartoon character in,
Peanuts
, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Animals
Dogs
Emotions
Happiness
Puppies
I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats
Francesco Marciuliano
Animals
Book Titles
Cats
Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Family
Fathers
Bat
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Dogs
Spot remover
I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals
Cats
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals
Children
Dogs
Learning
I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Jeff Stilson
(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals
People
Vacuum cleaners
Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals
Cats
A zebra cannot change its spots.
Al Gore Jr.
(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist
Animals
Malaprops
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