Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Animals
(Page 4)
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Dogs
Let sleeping
ducks
lie.
Anonymous
Animals
Dogs
Malaprops
The mosquitoes in Louisiana are so big, they can stand flat foot and screw a chicken!
Anonymous
Animals
Exaggerations
Louisiana
Mosquitoes
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Bigfoot
Pictures
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Animals
Dogs
How come dogs hate it if you blow in their faces; but when they get in the car, they stick their heads out the window.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Animals
Dogs
You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
People
Rednecks
Things
Kmart
Quarter horse
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian
Animals
People
If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?
Jim Gaffigan
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Bugs
Outdoors
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals
Cats
People
How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You
Matthew Inman
Book Titles
Cats
Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Animals
Definitions
Dogs
Dachshunds
Under any given set of environmental conditions an experimental animal behaves as it damn well pleases.
Murphy's First Law of Biology
Animals
Murphy’s Laws
Experiments
Scientific American
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Animals
Gray
Run
Zebras
Aa dog walking on his hind legs … is not done well, but you are surprised to find it done at all.
Samuel Johnson
(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Animals
Dogs
Bombproof Your Horse
Rick Pelicano
Animals
Book Titles
Horses
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Things
Candle
Rabbit
Shadows
Woods
He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
Sam Houston
(1793 – 1863) American politician, statesman & soldier
Animals
Characteristics
Dogs
Insults
About politician Thomas Jefferson Green
… that indefatigable and unsavory engine of pollution
John Sparrow
(1906 – 1992) English academic, barrister & book-collector
Animals
Dogs
Did you know that a possum walking through a cornfield sounds exactly like three men with an ax?
Drew Hastings
(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Possums
A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.
Will Cuppy
(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals
Situations
Cobras
Mice
Rats
Page 4 of 22
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