Subject: Appearance

No matter how many alterations, cheap pants never fit.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws

Clothes by a man who doesn’t know women, never had one, and dreams of being one!

(1883 – 1971) French fashion designer & founder of the Chanel brand
Appearance

Professional model: cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Appearance Body Definitions

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Appearance Insults

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive
Appearance Body People Self

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer
Appearance People Truth Women

He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.

(1925 – ) American author and literary, theater & film critic
Appearance Insults

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

(1952 – ) comedian
Appearance Body Men People Women

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

professional basketball player
Age Body Intelligence Misspokements Sports

Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Appearance Clothing Life Work

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance Body Fat Insults

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel.

Appearance

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Appearance Clothing Money Poverty

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

We know Jesus can’t have been English; he is always wearing sandals, but never with socks.

(1958 – 2006) English radio performer, stand-up comic & writer
Appearance England Places

Fat is lost last where it is wanted the least. Corollary 1: Fat is lost first from areas of high desirability.
Corollary 2: With time fat flows from areas of high to low desirability. – Hal Belknap, M.D.

Appearance Body Fat Murphy’s Laws

There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.

Appearance Clothing

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Marriage Wives