Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Wednesday, January 1, 2025
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(Page 12)
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
Denis Leary
(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director
Appearance
Clothing
Sex
Sexual revolution
Beauty is only skin deep, but it is a valuable asset if you are poor or have not any sense.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Appearance
Beauty
It's easy to distract fat people; it's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison
(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Appearance
Body
Fat
Food/Drink
Cake
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Places
Los Angeles
Ugliness
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities
Clothing
Sex
Things
Women
Dress up
Nazi costume
My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Body
Braces
False teeth
Falsies: Making mountains out of molehills.
Anonymous
Appearance
Clothing
Definitions
Falsies
The problem with women in an orchestra is that if they’re attractive it will upset my players and if they’re not it will upset me.
Thomas Beecham
(1879 – 1961) English conductor
Appearance
Entertainment
Music
People
Women
Orchestras
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Things
Watches
If I weren’t earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people in the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.
Charles Barkley
(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Appearance
Body
Fear
Fame
Any girl can be glamorous… all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
(1913 – 2000) Austrian-American actress, mathematician & inventor
Appearance
People
Women
Beauty
Glamorous
Dirty blonde … I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Success
Dirty blonde
I have a million dollar figure… buts it’s all loose change.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance
Body
I like what mechanics wear… overall.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Clothing
Communication
Language
I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning,' and I'm like, 'No kidding…
Reno Collier
stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
Situations
Pregnant
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Old
Gloves
Liver spots
If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made us that way.
Olum's Observation
Appearance
Beliefs
Clothing
God
He looks like a bag of antlers.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Expressions
About someone that’s all skin and bones
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body
Things
Bed
Broken arm
All other things being equal, the side with the simplest uniforms wins.
A Murphy's Military Law
Appearance
Clothing
Military
Murphy’s Laws
Plowshares
She's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Expressions
Thin
Page 12 of 54
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