Subject: Appearance (Page 12)

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

Beauty is only skin deep, but it is a valuable asset if you are poor or have not any sense.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

It's easy to distract fat people; it's a piece of cake.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Falsies: Making mountains out of molehills.

The problem with women in an orchestra is that if they’re attractive it will upset my players and if they’re not it will upset me.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If I weren’t earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people in the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

Any girl can be glamorous… all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

(1913 – 2000) Austrian-American actress, mathematician & inventor

Dirty blonde … I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I have a million dollar figure… buts it’s all loose change.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning,' and I'm like, 'No kidding…

stand-up comedian

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made us that way.

He looks like a bag of antlers.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

All other things being equal, the side with the simplest uniforms wins.

She's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.