Subject: Appearance (Page 16)

1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

She is so fat… she laid on the beach and people tried to push her back into the ocean.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

The guy that designed girls’ volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Appearance Clothing Sports

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

He (Jimmie Foxx) has muscles in his hair.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Appearance Body

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

He looked like something that had gotten loose from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

(1888 – 1964) comedian & actor
Appearance Body Insults

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last Christmas she stood under the mistletoe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Appearance Insults

Women love a self-confident bald man.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Appearance Hair

No matter how many alterations, cheap pants never fit.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Appearance Clothing

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”


Appearance Body Clothing

At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits you is the one not in the sale.

Activities Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Clothing Shopping

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Appearance Insults

I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist… nobody has ever seen her lips move!

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Appearance Body Entertainment

The only man who can fool all the women all the time is a fashion designer.

Appearance Clothing People Women

He is so fat… his blood type is Ragu.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self