Subject: Appearance (Page 16)

When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws

Her only flair is in her nostrils.

(1919 – 2001) American film critic
Appearance Reviews/Criticism

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian
Appearance Fat

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body Old

To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Appearance Clothing

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?


Appearance Body Fat Sports

I’d like to grow old with my face still moving.


Appearance Body

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

I’m the female equivalent of a counterfeit $20 bill; half of what you see is a pretty good reproduction, the rest is a fraud.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Appearance Body People Self

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Body

Angelina Jolie has a fine pair of child-bearing lips.

Irish journalist & film critic
Appearance Reviews/Criticism

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat People Women

That baby is ugly…I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of waxing.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Insults

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

A woman is as young as her knees.

(1934 – ) British fashion designer
Age Appearance Body Women

It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

comedian, composer & lyricist
Appearance Characteristics Mothers

When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Age Appearance Clothing Young

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

He is so fat… he can't even jump to a conclusion.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat