Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Appearance
(Page 23)
Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.
Sophia Loren
(1934 – ) Italian actress
Appearance
Body
Food/Drink
Self
Spaghetti
It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of a mirror; it is the vanity of men not to bother.
Simon Munnery
(1967 – ) English comedian
Appearance
Vanity
Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Curves
It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't still with the Yankees. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight.
Graig Nettles
American baseball player
Baseball
Body
Fat
Sports
Babe Ruth
George Steinbrenner
Brian London possesses the most unbeautiful face – it looks as if it, at one time, fell apart and was reassembled by a drunken mechanic.
Michael Parkinson
English broadcaster, journalist & author
Appearance
Boxing
Sports
Brian London
Faces
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Places
Los Angeles
Ugliness
He is so fat… he's on
both
sides of the family.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at
her.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
My girlfriend was no bargain either; she used to braid her armpits.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Girlfriends
Hair
People
Ugly
Armpits
You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.
Pete Dominick
(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality
Appearance
People
Self
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald.”
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance
Characteristics
Men
People
Wealth
Arrogance
Baldness
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
John Hurt looks like Joan of Arc, after she's burnt at stake.
Anonymous
Appearance
Insults
John Hurt
A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Clothing
Money
Wino
Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?
Katharine Whitehorn
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Appearance
Clothing
Housework
Clean
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
Bette Davis
(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Appearance
Insults
About Jayne Mansfield
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Clothing
Men
People
Shopping
Women
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Old
Gloves
Liver spots
I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist… nobody has ever seen her lips move!
Kenneth Dodd
(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Appearance
Body
Entertainment
Ventriloquist
He looked very thin and
emancipated.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Malaprops
Emaciated
I’ve lost seven pounds this week… or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.
Maff Brown
British comedian & emcee
Appearance
Body
Weight
Page 23 of 54
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