Subject: Appearance (Page 23)

Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.

(1934 – ) Italian actress

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of a mirror; it is the vanity of men not to bother.

(1967 – ) English comedian

Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't still with the Yankees. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight.

American baseball player

Brian London possesses the most unbeautiful face – it looks as if it, at one time, fell apart and was reassembled by a drunken mechanic.

English broadcaster, journalist & author

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

He is so fat… he's on both sides of the family.

She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at her.

My girlfriend was no bargain either; she used to braid her armpits.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.

(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

John Hurt looks like Joan of Arc, after she's burnt at stake.

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist… nobody has ever seen her lips move!

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter

He looked very thin and emancipated.

I’ve lost seven pounds this week… or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

British comedian & emcee