Subject: Appearance (Page 24)

I lent my wife a thousand pounds to have plastic surgery; now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Appearance

Azinger is wearing an all back outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink tea-cosy hat.

British sports announcer
Appearance Clothing Misspokements

Hockey is a sport for white men; basketball is a sport for black men; golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps.

professional golfer
Appearance Clothing Golf Sports

Her face was her chaperone.

(1872—1956) American historian, novelist, film director & composer
Appearance Insults

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Age Appearance Body

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F**k that… I'll just get a tan instead.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

Doctors tell me I have the body of a thirty year old. I know I have the brain of a fifteen year old. If you've got both, you can play baseball.

American baseball player
Appearance Baseball Body Intelligence Sports

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age Appearance Insults Old

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Appearance Health Time

Your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn’t give it coffee.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Hair TV/Movie Quotes

The scrotum – a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand… although it didn't work!

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Appearance Body

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

(1898 – 1971) American humorist
Age Appearance

She was short on intellect, but long on shape.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Appearance Insults Intelligence

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Clothing Science/Weather

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive
Appearance Body People Self

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Appearance Definitions

Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Eating Fat Food/Drink Insults

She is so fat… she laid on the beach and people tried to push her back into the ocean.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance Body