Subject: Appearance (Page 25)

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't; so I grew hair under my arms instead.

stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Communication Hair Speech

I got a run in my neon stockings.

Clothing Malaprops

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Appearance People

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Body Definitions

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Definitions

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Appearance Body Language

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Characteristics Clothing Communication Lies Truth World

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance

A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.

Body Fat Murphy’s Laws

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Insults

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Appearance Clothing Marriage Shopping

As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.

stand-up comedian
Alcohol Body Fat Husbands Marriage Men People

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Characteristics Clothing

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat Insults

I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan… I stroke.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Body

He looked like something that had gotten loose from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

(1888 – 1964) comedian & actor
Appearance Body Insults

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body