Subject: Appearance (Page 26)

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

So skinny she’d have to stand up twice to make a shadow.

Appearance Body Expressions

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Age Appearance People Women

Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.

Body Definitions

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.

(1919 – 2001) American film critic
Appearance Insults

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one's the real hero?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Activities Beliefs Characteristics Clothing Lies Sports

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

Al, why don't you get a haircut?

(1897 – 1961) American actress
Appearance Body Hair

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance Body Girls Women

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.

(1926 – 2009) comedian, actor, radio – TV personality & host
Appearance Body Characteristics

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't; so I grew hair under my arms instead.

stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Communication Hair Speech

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him.

(1982 – ) American author
Appearance Clothing Situations

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

I would give my left nut for a really nice guitar… I don't actually play the guitar, but I have three testicles.

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Body

Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Eating Fat Food/Drink Insults

I saw a guy today who had rings and hooks and pens and antennas hanging out his cheeks and his eyebrows; looked like somebody hit him in the head with a tackle box.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

American comedian
Appearance Clothing Shopping