Subject: Appearance (Page 26)

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Appearance Insults

I had one guy at a gas station in New York say to me, “Hey, you look like that Hugh Grant… no offense.”

(1960 – ) English actor
Appearance People Self

Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I’m a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.

Igor: What hump?

(1934 – 1982) English writer, comedian & actor
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Appearance Clothing Money Poverty

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs People Self

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance People

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.

(1925 – 2008) British journalist
Appearance Insults

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs Ugly

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Definitions

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor
Appearance Clothing Sex

Oh my God, look at you; anyone else hurt in the accident?

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Insults

A skirt is no obstacle to extemporaneous sex, but it is physically impossible to make love to a girl while she is wearing trousers.

(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author
Appearance Clothing Sex

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

You know you're getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants – and you already did it.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

Women, that butterfly [tattoo] looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

(1869 – 1945) American actor
Appearance Body

I don’t want to lose weight; my tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Friends People Young

Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!.

(1922 – 1991) American comedian
Appearance Insults

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Communication God Reading/Writing

He had one eye, and the popular prejudice runs in favor of two.

(1812 – 1870) English novelist
Appearance Body