Subject: Appearance (Page 28)

It's like I disprove evolution and intelligent design at once.

(1978 – ) American comic writer
Appearance Body People Science/Weather Self

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Body Marriage Wives

Her face was her chaperone.

(1872—1956) American historian, novelist, film director & composer
Appearance Insults

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches, but since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

(1982 – ) American author
Appearance Hair Relationships

Behind every successful man, you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.

(1908 – 1997) American actor
Appearance Clothing Men People Success Women

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Definitions

As a matter of fact, I'm glad my skin is dark, because if I was a white girl, I would look 10 pounds heavier.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress
Appearance Body Fat

Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? … I’m so hungry right now.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Appearance Body Exercise

She looks like something that would eat its young.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Appearance Insults

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not: they sent it back and said, “We don’t believe it.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Ugly

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?

1922) American actress, comedian & television personality
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

You might be a redneck if… you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks Shopping

Abdomen: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Appearance Body Eating

Look at you, you're white as a goat.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Appearance Malaprops

If God had wanted women to have giant… fake boobs he’d be a lot like my brother.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Women

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Communication God Reading/Writing

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Appearance Body Characteristics People

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults