Subject: Appearance (Page 39)

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

(1916 – 1997) newspaper journalist

My arms register as legs. And my legs register as firewood.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.

(1919 – 2001) American film critic

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps?

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer

If God had wanted women to have giant… fake boobs he’d be a lot like my brother.

(1964 – ) American comedian

Strapless Gown: A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.

The curve is more powerful than the sword.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

No one is as ugly as their passport photo.

There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Looks like he’s been sortin’ wildcats.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Gomez: He has my father's eyes.

Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Buster Douglas went to bed as a 231-pound world champion and woke up as a 270-pound parade float.

American sports columnist