Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Friday, January 10, 2025
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Appearance
(Page 39)
I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance
Body
Radiation
Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
Herb Caen
(1916 – 1997) newspaper journalist
Appearance
Body
Fat
Cockroaches
Socialites
My arms register as legs. And my legs register as firewood.
Amy Schumer
(1981 – ) American Comedian
Appearance
Body
On the pressure to be thin in Hollywood
He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
Pauline Kael
(1919 – 2001) American film critic
Appearance
Insults
About Robert Redford
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Characteristics
Clothing
Communication
Lies
Truth
World
Pants
I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.
Tina Fey
(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Liz Lemon in “30 Rock”
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.
Scott Adams
(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Body
Characteristics
Money
Work
Overtime
Stress
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body
Health
Relationships
Breasts
Mother-in-law
Pain
Trick knee
If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps?
Russell Brand
(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Body
If God had wanted women to have giant… fake boobs he’d be a lot like my brother.
Dana Gould
(1964 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Body
Women
Fake boobs
Strapless Gown: A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.
Anonymous
Clothing
Definitions
Strapless Gown
The curve is more powerful than the sword.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Curves
No one is as ugly as their passport photo.
Parson's Law of Passports
Appearance
Murphy’s Laws
Ugly
Passports
Photographs
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
Anonymous
Appearance
Clothing
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Situations
Ax
Fire
Looks like he’s been sortin’ wildcats.
Anonymous
Appearance
Expressions
Disheveled
In a mess
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
Sleep
Blankets
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Smargon
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Hospital
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Angelica Huston
(1951 – ) American actress & director
Appearance
TV/Movie Quotes
As Morticia Addams in the film “The Addams Family”
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals
Appearance
Situations
Things
Bird in hand
Nose
Buster Douglas went to bed as a 231-pound world champion and woke up as a 270-pound parade float.
Scott Ostler
American sports columnist
Appearance
Body
Boxing
Fat
Sports
Buster Douglas
Page 39 of 54
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