Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 40)
Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
David Hyde Pierce
(1959 – ) American actor
Appearance
Hair
TV/Movie Quotes
As Niles Crane in “Frasier”
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
Irvin Cobb
(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Appearance
Clothing
Insults
Ache: Joint concern.
Anonymous
Body
Definitions
Ache
She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Doctors
Family
Fathers
Health
Beauty
Surgeon
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance
Body
Intelligence
Men
People
Stupidity
Breasts
Doctors tell me I have the body of a thirty year old. I know I have the brain of a fifteen year old. If you've got both, you can play baseball.
Pete Rose
American baseball player
Appearance
Baseball
Body
Intelligence
Sports
That guy has muscles in places most people don't have places.
Bucky Waters
American basketball broadcaster
Appearance
Basketball
Body
Sports
About sportscaster Tom Hammond
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
James Boren
(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Appearance
Clothing
Marriage
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
Jean Cocteau
(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker
Appearance
Clothing
Sex
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Appearance
Homeless
Naked
Turtles
A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.
Sophia Loren
(1934 – ) Italian actress
Appearance
Clothing
People
Women
I’ve never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Reading/Writing
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Dating
Hair
My husband said ‘Show me your boobs.’ and I had to pull up my skirt… so it was time to get them done!
Dolly Parton
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Appearance
Body
Breasts
On cosmetic surgery
She’s a tall drink of water.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Expressions
Tall
Thin
The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Dolly Parton Principle
Appearance
Body
Murphy’s Laws
Breasts
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive; it makes it so you could care less that they’re ugly.
Doug Stanhope
(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol
Appearance
Food/Drink
You don't get a body like this overnight… it takes years of neglect.
Larry 'Bubbles' Brown
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
Adlai E. Stevenson
(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Appearance
Situations
I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.
Chelsea Peretti
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Appearance
People
Italian
Jewish
Nose
The older you get, the higher your underwear – get like rings on a tree; you're 80-90 years old – your breasts are inside them.
Margaret Smith
stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Age
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Old
Underwear
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