Subject: Appearance (Page 40)

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

(1959 – ) American actor

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

Ache: Joint concern.

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Doctors tell me I have the body of a thirty year old. I know I have the brain of a fifteen year old. If you've got both, you can play baseball.

American baseball player

That guy has muscles in places most people don't have places.

American basketball broadcaster

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

(1934 – ) Italian actress

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My husband said ‘Show me your boobs.’ and I had to pull up my skirt… so it was time to get them done!

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

She’s a tall drink of water.

The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive; it makes it so you could care less that they’re ugly.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

You don't get a body like this overnight… it takes years of neglect.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

The older you get, the higher your underwear – get like rings on a tree; you're 80-90 years old – your breasts are inside them.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer