Subject: Appearance (Page 40)

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker
Appearance Clothing Sex

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance

She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.

(1881 – 1972) American gossip columnist
Appearance Insults

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not: they sent it back and said, “We don’t believe it.”

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Ugly

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Situations

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Self

A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Appearance Insults

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Appearance Insults

Does this sign make my butt look fat?

Appearance Body Fat

He's so fat his bathtub has stretch marks.

(1941 – ) American basketball executive
Appearance Body Fat Insults

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance Ugly

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Appearance Body Fat

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Fat Government Politics

Guys – if your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Appearance Clothing

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie;’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Appearance Body Food/Drink

Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.

Appearance Body Definitions

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

I actually thought about getting breast implants because I'm a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Appearance Body Characteristics

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old