Subject: Appearance (Page 44)

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was “I should cut my bangs.”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance Hair Situations

She wore far too much rouge last night, and not quite enough clothes; that is always a sign of despair in a woman.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Appearance

1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

She is so fat… when you tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Crying is the refuge of plain women, but the ruin of pretty ones.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Appearance People Women

He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Appearance Insults

Looks like he’s been sortin’ wildcats.

Appearance Expressions

So crosseyed, she could look at her own head.

Appearance Expressions

Brian London possesses the most unbeautiful face – it looks as if it, at one time, fell apart and was reassembled by a drunken mechanic.

English broadcaster, journalist & author
Appearance Boxing Sports

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Appearance Body Characteristics

He had better get married soon, because he's getting uglier every day!

Canadian hockey player
Appearance Hockey Sports Ugly

He now looks like a Barbie doll that has been whittled at by a malicious brother.

(1943 – ) English opera critic, author & journalist
Appearance Insults

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitch folk.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Appearance Clothing Insults

My school colors were clear; we used to say, “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Clothing

I stopped buying women’s magazines; the only time I ever see someone who looks like me is under the word ‘Before’.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Appearance Self

She is so fat… the police told her to break it up.

Appearance Exaggerations Fat

He is so fat… he has group insurance.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Man that guy is ripped! I mean, I've got the washboard stomach, too. It's just that mine has about two months of laundry on top of it.

Canadian hockey player
Appearance Body Hockey Sports

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

Esther Clavin: The last thing I want to see is my son’s face on the 11 o’clock news.

Carla: There’s an entire city that agrees with you.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.

Appearance Body Definitions Fat Wordplay