Subject: Appearance (Page 46)

My girlfriend has lovely colored eyes; I particularly like the blue one.

He's the only man able to walk under a bed without hitting his head.

(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist

John Hurt looks like Joan of Arc, after she's burnt at stake.

Actually, it only seems as though you mustn't be deceived by appearances.

Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in.

(1922 – 1995) English novelist & poet

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck… it probably needs a little more time in the microwave.


You'll always feel good about your body when you go there – no matter what your body is – because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

A woman is as young as her knees.

(1934 – ) British fashion designer

Is that your wife? … Oh, well, keep your chin up.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes; then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

If I see something sagging, bagging, and dragging, I’m going to nip, tuck it, and suck it.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

‘Homemade’ sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

American comedian & actor

Any girl can be glamorous… all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

(1913 – 2000) Austrian-American actress, mathematician & inventor

When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’

American baseball player

She’s like a phenomenon of nature, like Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon; you can’t talk to it, it can’t talk to you, all you can do is stand back and be awed by it.

(1897 – 1977) American filmwriter, producer & director

She’s a tall drink of water.