Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Monday, December 30, 2024
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 46)
My girlfriend has lovely colored eyes; I particularly like the blue one.
Harry Scott
Appearance
Body
Eyes
He's the only man able to walk under a bed without hitting his head.
Walter Winchell
(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist
Appearance
Insults
Height
Thomas E. Dewey
John Hurt looks like Joan of Arc, after she's burnt at stake.
Anonymous
Appearance
Insults
John Hurt
Actually, it only seems as though you mustn't be deceived by appearances.
The Obvious Law
Appearance
Characteristics
Murphy’s Laws
Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in.
Kingsley Amis
(1922 – 1995) English novelist & poet
Appearance
Body
Fat
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck… it probably needs a little more time in the microwave.
Lori Dowdy
Appearance
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there – no matter what your body is – because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
Lewis Black
(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Appearance
Body
Fat
IHOP
A woman is as young as her knees.
Mary Quant
(1934 – ) British fashion designer
Age
Appearance
Body
Women
Knees
Is that your wife? … Oh, well, keep your chin up.
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Fat
Insults
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance
Body
Fat
Men
People
Women
I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Doctors
Health
Ugly
Couch
Psychiatrist
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes; then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
Conan O'Brien
(1963 – ) television host & comedian
Appearance
Body
Men
People
Women
Breasts
If I see something sagging, bagging, and dragging, I’m going to nip, tuck it, and suck it.
Dolly Parton
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Appearance
Body
On cosmetic surgery
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance
Clothing
Golf
People
Religion
Sports
Protestants
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance
Clothing
Marriage
Transvestites
‘Homemade’ sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.
Dov Davidoff
American comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Tattoos
Any girl can be glamorous… all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
(1913 – 2000) Austrian-American actress, mathematician & inventor
Appearance
People
Women
Beauty
Glamorous
When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
Stitzer's Vacation Principle
Clothing
Money
Murphy’s Laws
Vacations
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’
Mickey Lolich
American baseball player
Appearance
Baseball
Fat
Sports
She’s like a phenomenon of nature, like Niagara Falls or the Grand Canyon; you can’t talk to it, it can’t talk to you, all you can do is stand back and be awed by it.
Nunnally Johnson
(1897 – 1977) American filmwriter, producer & director
Appearance
Body
Of Marilyn Monroe
She’s a tall drink of water.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Expressions
Tall
Thin
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