Subject: Appearance (Page 46)

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

Appearance Murphy’s Laws Ugly

T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you through air port security.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.


Appearance Clothing

My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used.

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
Acting Appearance Body Entertainment

Bikini: Baiting Suit.

Clothing Definitions

Working with Sophia Loren was like being bombed with watermelons.

(1913 – 1964) American film actor
Appearance Body

I know [my head] is big because every time I'm in a picture, it always looks like I'm really close to the camera.

Canadian comedian
Appearance Body Self

One out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat

People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.

(1904 – 1990) American author & critic
Animals Appearance Autos Things

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Appearance Body Death Eating Life Proverbs

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Age Appearance People Women

Hat: Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.

cartoon character in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (Kathleen Turner)
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf.

Appearance Body Golf Murphy’s Laws Sports

You might be a redneck if… you think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the “Big Hair” competition.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Hair People Rednecks

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

There has ceased to be a difference between my awake clothes and my asleep clothes.

(1979 – ) American actress, comedian & writer
Appearance Clothing

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Appearance Definitions

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Hair Insults