Subject: Appearance (Page 47)

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

She's the sort of woman who lives for others… you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

(1898 – 1963) Irish-born British novelist, literary critic & essayist
Appearance Insults

Man that guy is ripped! I mean, I've got the washboard stomach, too. It's just that mine has about two months of laundry on top of it.

Canadian hockey player
Appearance Body Hockey Sports

A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.

Body Fat Murphy’s Laws

Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

I wanna tell you… I was ugly. I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his fingers in my mouth.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Appearance Beer Body Men

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven’t yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Appearance Clothing

She is so fat… she can't even jump to conclusions.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Appearance Body Insults

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Characteristics Clothing Communication Lies Truth World

Cutting off a mule's ears doesn't make it a horse.

Appearance Proverbs Situations

I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”

comedian
Appearance Body People

If people don’t want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Appearance Clothing

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance Insults

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to show you're a lady.

(1898 – 1981) American costume designer
Appearance Body Clothing Women

He looks like a dwarf who’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.

George Alan O'Dowd (1961 – ) British singer-songwriter
Appearance Insults

[to Sam] … You’re almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are.

(1923 – ) British actress, dancer, pianist & singer
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes