Subject: Appearance (Page 47)

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Men People Women

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

Ugly as stump full of spiders.

Appearance Expressions Ugly

I sight down my nose to shoot, and now my nose isn't straight since I broke it. That's why my shooting has been off.

American basketball player
Appearance Basketball Body Sports

He is so fat… when he steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please."

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.

(1927 – 1987) actor, dancer, choreographer, director, screenwriter & director
Appearance Body Insults

Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
America Clothing Definitions Places

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Clothing Definitions

She is so ugly… she has to trick or treat over the phone.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; then I realized who was telling me this.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Intelligence

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents Autos Clothing Death Problems

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Body Mothers Science/Weather

Every time I see you naked I feel bad for your wife.

Czech hockey player
Appearance Body Hockey Sports

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance

Is that your wife? … Oh, well, keep your chin up.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Fat Insults

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Appearance

I know the name, but I can’t replace the face.

professional baseball player
Appearance Misspokements