Subject: Appearance (Page 51)

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

All women dress like their mothers, that is their tragedy; no man ever does, that is his.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Appearance Clothing Men People Women

I’m the female equivalent of a counterfeit $20 bill; half of what you see is a pretty good reproduction, the rest is a fraud.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Appearance Body People Self

Beauty: The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Appearance Definitions

There are two times in a woman’s life when clothes are important: when she is young and when she is old.

writer
Appearance Clothing People Women

When I was pregnant, my friends sneered: ‘Eating for two, are we?’… I said, get lost, I’m not cutting down.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Eating Food/Drink

Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.

(1926 – 2009) comedian, actor, radio – TV personality & host
Appearance Body Characteristics

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors Health Ugly

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Appearance Golf Sports

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.

(1919 – 2001) American film critic
Appearance Insults

I always say beauty is only sin deep.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Appearance Wordplay

She is so ugly… when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

I’m still trying to understand the wearing of high heels at the airport.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing

He should know better than that. He knows I only drink scotch.

Canadian professional hockey goalie
Body Hockey Sports

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Places

He is so fat… when he gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

If you have a funny costume, you can’t really wear it when you get older.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Age Appearance Clothing

The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.

Appearance Body Murphy’s Laws

He is so fat… I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

Appearance Murphy’s Laws Ugly