Subject: Appearance (Page 53)

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
Appearance Body

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde—dyed by her own hand.

(1915 – 2005) Canadian writer
Appearance Hair People Women

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian
Appearance Body Family Fathers

I don't have a huge penis, but I had everything in my bedroom built to three-quarters scale so it looks bigger.

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Body

Phyllis Diller’s had so many facelifts, there’s nothing left in her shoes.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Appearance Body

She has a four-pocket backend.

Appearance Expressions Fat

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives

I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Appearance Body Yogi-isms

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

If you told her to haul butt, she would have to make two trips.

Appearance Body Expressions Fat

My girlfriend has lovely colored eyes; I particularly like the blue one.

Appearance Body

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

He is so fat… when his beeper goes off, people think he's backing up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws

Terry Downes' face looked as if he had slept on it.

English broadcaster, journalist & author
Appearance Boxing Sports

He looks like King Edward – the potato, not the monarch.

British satirist, comedian, writer, broadcaster and editor
Appearance Insults

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Appearance Conflict Fights Individuals People Ugly

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles.

(1912 – 1969) Norwegian figure skater & actress
Age Appearance Old Things

Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People

Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Appearance Characteristics Ugly Work

She cain’t help bein’ ugly, but she coulda stayed at home!

Appearance Ugly