Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 9)
I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
People
Self
Size
Get the
hanging dog
expression off your face.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Appearance
Malaprops
Hang dog
How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.
Simon Helberg
(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician
Appearance
TV/Movie Quotes
As Howard in “the Big Bang Theory”
Breasts
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face – it shows.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Ugly
You might be a redneck if… you have more belt-buckles than pants.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance
Clothing
People
Rednecks
Belt-buckles
Pants
Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.
Miranda Hart
(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Appearance
Situations
Manicures
Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.
Chris Evans
(1951 – ) British writer
Appearance
Children
Clothing
Family
Situations
He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.
P.G. Wodehouse
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Appearance
Insults
Her body has gone to her head.
Barbara Stanwyck
(1907 – 1990) American actress
Appearance
Body
Insults
About Marilyn Monroe
He is so fat… in the summer he can sell shade.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Rod Schmidt
Animals
Appearance
Haircuts
Horses
My bottom is so big, it’s got its own gravitational field.
Carol Vorderman
(1960 – ) British media personality
Appearance
Body
Bottom
He looks like the hindquarters of bad luck.
Anonymous
Appearance
Expressions
You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.
Anthony ‘Ant’ Kalloniatis
(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
People
Of thin Lara Flynn Boyle's outfit
Strip Teaser: One who makes a bare living.
Anonymous
Body
Definitions
Occupations
Strip Teaser
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance
Body
Places
Napoleon complex
North Korea
Shortness
A bag of tattooed bones in a sequined slingshot.
‘Mr. Blackwell’
Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Insults
On Cher
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Body
Lips
Lipstick
[while filling out a form] Jim: Eyes… Elaine Nardo: No, don’t put two.Jim: Oh, they mean color, don’t they?
Christopher Lloyd
(1938 – ) American actor
Appearance
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jim Ignatowski in “Taxi”
Eyes
I wanna tell you… I was ugly. I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his fingers in my mouth.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Self
Proctologist
A lady is one who never shows her underwear… unintentionally.
Lillian Day Lederer
(1893 – 1991) novelist, biographer & playwright
Appearance
Characteristics
Clothing
Lady
Page 9 of 54
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