Subject: Appearance (Page 9)

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Get the hanging dog expression off your face.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.

(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face – it shows.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you have more belt-buckles than pants.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian

Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.

(1951 – ) British writer

He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

Her body has gone to her head.

(1907 – 1990) American actress

He is so fat… in the summer he can sell shade.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


My bottom is so big, it’s got its own gravitational field.

(1960 – ) British media personality

He looks like the hindquarters of bad luck.

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Strip Teaser: One who makes a bare living.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

A bag of tattooed bones in a sequined slingshot.

Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

[while filling out a form] Jim: Eyes…

Elaine Nardo: No, don’t put two.

Jim: Oh, they mean color, don’t they?

(1938 – ) American actor

I wanna tell you… I was ugly. I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his fingers in my mouth.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A lady is one who never shows her underwear… unintentionally.

(1893 – 1991) novelist, biographer & playwright