Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Appearance
(Page 9)
A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Situations
Bars
Black lights
Stains
Hat: Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.
Anonymous
Appearance
Clothing
Definitions
Hat
Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Appearance
Clothing
Life
Work
Ideals
If that dress had pockets, you’d look like a pool table.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Clothing
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
Dress
Maybe it's the hair, maybe it's the teeth, maybe it's the intellect…. no, it's the hair.
Tom Shales
(1944 – ) American television critic
Appearance
Insults
About Farrah Fawcett
An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing
Government
Taxes
Laundry
Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age
Appearance
Beauty is only sin deep.
‘Saki’ H.H. Munro
(1870 – 1916) British writer
Appearance
Wordplay
Beauty
Sin
Barbara Walters is said to sleep standing so that the silicone won't move.
Taki
(1936 – ) Greek-born journalist & writer
Appearance
Insults
Barbara Walters
Plastic surgery
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Insults
Fashion
I wouldn’t change anything but I could do with sharing my bottom and thighs with at least two other people.
Christine Hamilton
(1949 – ) British media personality & author
Appearance
Body
Weight
I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.
Cleveland Amory
(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Appearance
People
Tan
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Body
Women
Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.
Bob Nickman
television writer, producer & director
Appearance
Body
Situations
Beach
Do I lift weights? … Sure, every time I stand up.
Dolly Parton
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Activities
Appearance
Body
Breasts
Reform: To gain or lose weight.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Definitions
Reform
Anatomy: A class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves.
Anonymous
Body
Definitions
Education
School
Anatomy
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Barbara Cartland
(1901 – 2000) English author
Age
Appearance
Women
If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps?
Russell Brand
(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Body
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Body
Sex
Anatomy
Necking
Poor judge
If you’re up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. It’s the hardest shot for the well-endowed; like when I used to beat Ann Jones, she could hit under them or over them but never through them.
Billie Jean King
American professional tennis player
Body
Sports
Breasts
Tennis
Page 9 of 54
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