Subject: Beliefs (Page 12)

Y’know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I’d go to church every Sunday.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host

He’s so crooked that when he dies, they’re going to have to screw him into the ground.

A man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings.

(1918 - 2002) American author

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

What a liberal wants is to bring about change which will not in any way endanger his position.

(1941 – 1998) Trinidadian-American and prominent figure in the Civil Rights Movement

Euphemism is a euphemism for lying.

(Roberta Lee Streeter) (1944 – ) American singer-songwriter

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.

(1924 – 1973) American comic

God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

If you want to know what God thinks of money, you only have to look at those to whom he gives it.

(1874 – 1945) English writer, translator & war correspondent

I wish God were alive to see this.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I was an altar boy as a kid… and the answer is no.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Facts without theory are trivia. Theory without facts is bullshit.

I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer