Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 12)
Y’know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I’d go to church every Sunday.
George Lopez
(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
Beliefs
Church
He’s so crooked that when he dies, they’re going to have to screw him into the ground.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Honesty
Unethical
A man who will not lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings.
Olin Miller
(1918 - 2002) American author
Beliefs
Lies
People
Women
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Beliefs
Communication
Opinion
Born-again Christians
What a liberal wants is to bring about change which will not in any way endanger his position.
Stokely Carmichael
(1941 – 1998) Trinidadian-American and prominent figure in the Civil Rights Movement
Beliefs
Government
Liberals
Euphemism
is a euphemism for lying.
Bobbie Gentry
(Roberta Lee Streeter) (1944 – ) American singer-songwriter
Characteristics
Honesty
Lies
Euphemisms
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs
Predjudice
Said when she was excluded from a beach club for being Jewish
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.
Allan Sherman
(1924 – 1973) American comic
Beliefs
Truth
Reality
God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Conflict
God
War
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs
Puritans
If you want to know what God thinks of money, you only have to look at those to whom he gives it.
Maurice Baring
(1874 – 1945) English writer, translator & war correspondent
Beliefs
God
Money
I wish God were alive to see this.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
God
TV/Movie Quotes
I was an altar boy as a kid… and the answer is no.
Mike Birbiglia
(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Beliefs
Alter boys
Childhood
Church
Priests
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs
Definitions
Religion
Christianity
Infidel
There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.
Jim Hightower
(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Beliefs
Government
Politics
He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Honesty
TV/Movie Quotes
As Mavis Arden in “Go West
Young Man”
I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs
Jehovah's Witnesses
It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Beliefs
God
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Anonymous
Definitions
Opinion
Yawn
Facts without theory are trivia. Theory without facts is bullshit.
Beiser’s Brass Tack
Beliefs
Facts
Murphy’s Laws
I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.
Leo Allen
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Beliefs
Religion
Jews
Moneylenders
Racism
Page 12 of 42
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