Subject: Beliefs (Page 16)

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.

If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

I took a test in Existentialism; I left all the answers blank and got 100.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

He is a modest little man who has a good deal to be modest about.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

I wish God were alive to see this.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

It is a curious thing… that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.

(1903 – 1966) English writer

I know what they're waiting for…(the press) is waiting for (Michelle Obama) to get pissed one night and throw all The President's (stuff) out on the lawn.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I don’t believe in astrology… I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re skeptical.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author

Every scientific truth goes through three states: first, people say it conflicts with the Bible; next, they say it has been discovered before; lastly, they say they always believed it.

(1807 – 1873) paleontologist, glaciologist & geologist

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I don’t know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth

Hell is other people.

(1905 – 1980) French existentialist philosopher, playwright & novelist,