Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 16)
I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs
Characteristics
Self
Equality
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.
Anonymous
Activities
Honesty
Lies
Exaggerations
Fishing
If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Beliefs
Opinion
Advice
I took a test in Existentialism; I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs
Existentialism
Philosophy
To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs
God
TV/Movie Quotes
As Sandy Bates in “Stardust Memories”
He is a modest little man who has a good deal to be modest about.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Characteristics
Insults
Opinion
About Clement Attlee
Modesty
Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Definitions
Occupations
Clergyman
I wish God were alive to see this.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
God
TV/Movie Quotes
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.
Dave Weinstein
Beliefs
God
Situations
Light
It is a curious thing… that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.
Evelyn Waugh
(1903 – 1966) English writer
Beliefs
Religion
Paradise
I know what they're waiting for…(the press) is waiting for (Michelle Obama) to get pissed one night and throw all The President's (stuff) out on the lawn.
Wanda Sykes
(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Beliefs
Emotions
Opinion
Barack Obama
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs
God
People
Hippies
Rain
I don’t believe in astrology… I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Beliefs
Science/Weather
Astrology
Every scientific truth goes through three states: first, people say it conflicts with the Bible; next, they say it has been discovered before; lastly, they say they always believed it.
Louis Agassiz
(1807 – 1873) paleontologist, glaciologist & geologist
Beliefs
Facts
Science/Weather
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities
Drugs
God
People
Acid
I don’t know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God.
W. Somerset Maugham
(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Beliefs
Religion
Common sense
A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol
Beliefs
Food/Drink
Individuals
I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs
Religion
Catholic
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Grelb's Reminder
Beliefs
Driving
Murphy’s Laws
Opinion
People
MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth
Headline
Headlines
Lies
Hell is other people.
Jean Paul Sartre
(1905 – 1980) French existentialist philosopher, playwright & novelist,
Beliefs
People
Hell
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