Subject: Beliefs (Page 17)

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics Honesty Lies

MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth

Headlines Lies

Beware of the half truth… you may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

Beliefs Honesty Truth

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Beliefs Games

Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

Don’t be discouraged if your children reject your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.

Beliefs Children Family Opinion

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

Facts and truth really don’t have much to do with each other.

(1897-1962) American writer
Beliefs Facts Honesty Truth

The Catholics have an interesting view of sex; it is disgusting, amoral and filthy and you should save it for one you love.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian & filmmaker
Beliefs Religion Sex

Georgie believed in democracy, and he felt that everybody had a right to an opinion… his.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Democracy Government Opinion

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Conflict God War

Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.

Beliefs Definitions Opinion

It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they’ve been fooled.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Honesty

If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock.

(1908 – 1990) American statesman, jurist & attorney
Beliefs Opinion People

Man was predestined to have free will.

Beliefs

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Beliefs Definitions Occupations

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Occupations People Truth

I wanted to do a show about feminism… but my husband wouldn’t let me.


Beliefs

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Places