Subject: Beliefs (Page 27)

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Beliefs God People

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Characteristics Emotions

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Beliefs God People

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Beliefs

The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Entertainment Opinion

Man was predestined to have free will.

Beliefs Wordplay

There are no atheists in foxholes.

(1828-1882) English poet, illustrator, painter & translator
Beliefs God

He knocks the hell out of people, but in a Christian way.

professional football player & coach
Beliefs Football Sports

Well, um, you know, something’s neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said.

(1932 – ) American businessman & U.S. Secretary of Defense
Beliefs Misspokements

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist
Beliefs Life Truth

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

The truth is more important than the facts.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator
Beliefs Facts Honesty Truth

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

I just got out of the hospital… I had my mother removed from my back.

comedian & television writer
Beliefs Family Mothers Travel

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation; among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Characteristics Government Honesty Lies Politicians

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Beliefs Communication Murphy’s Laws

If you treat people right they will treat you right… ninety percent of the time.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Characteristics Honesty People

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Insults Opinion

I was an altar boy as a kid… and the answer is no.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Beliefs

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Government Politics Religion