Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 28)
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Aldous Huxley
(1894 – 1963) English writer
Beliefs
Facts
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance
Communication
God
Reading/Writing
Graffiti
Gray hair
Golf… is the infallible test; the man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.
P.G. Wodehouse
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf
Honesty
Sports
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics
Opinion
People
Agree
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs
Self
Existentialism
Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Lies
Yogi-isms
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.
Konrad Adenauer
(1876 – 1967) German statesman
Beliefs
God
Intelligence
Stupidity
Mankind
God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.
Lynn Redgrave
(1943 – 2010) English actress
Beliefs
God
Situations
From “Georgy Girl”
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? … If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Beliefs
Religion
Sex
Pope
If Attila the Hun were alive today, he’d be a drama critic.
Edward Albee
(1928 – ) playwright
Beliefs
Opinion
Attila the Hun
Criticism
Drama critic
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Characteristics
Facts
Science/Weather
Statistics
Stubborness
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Characteristics
Honesty
Lies
Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you’ve got a pretty neck.
Eli Wallach
(1915 – ) American film, television & stage actor
Beliefs
Entertainment
Opinion
Critics
Hangman
Everyone’s a pacifist between wars; it’s like being a vegetarian between meals.
Colman McCarthy
(1938 – ) American journalist, teacher, lecturer & pacifist
Beliefs
Conflict
War
Pacifist
No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there will still remain a percentage of people who believe it true.
Law of the Lie
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
Murphy’s Laws
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics
Lies
People
Truth
Lies
Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs
God
Magic
The Virgin Mary… we have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs
Religion
The Virgin Mary
Faith: Not wanting to know what is true.
Friedrich Nietzsche
(1844 – 1900) German philosopher
Beliefs
Definitions
Faith
Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Definitions
Opinion
Good Advice
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities
Drugs
God
People
Acid
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