Subject: Beliefs (Page 29)

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Beliefs Places

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

The stopwatch has stopped. It's up to God and the referee now. The referee is Pat Horan. God is God.

Irish Gaelic games commentator
God Sports

A conservative is someone who believes in reform… but not now.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Government Politics

If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Beliefs Communication Misspokements Opinion Speech

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist
Beliefs Life Truth

Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Insults Opinion People

When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong – or absolutely right.

(1863 – 1923) French playwright
Beliefs Conflict Opinion People

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Beliefs God

Every scientific truth goes through three states: first, people say it conflicts with the Bible; next, they say it has been discovered before; lastly, they say they always believed it.

(1807 – 1873) paleontologist, glaciologist & geologist
Beliefs Facts Science/Weather

Fine words! … I wonder where you stole them.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Characteristics Communication Honesty Insults

God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

Beliefs God People Self

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Places

A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Beliefs Government Politics

My friend Phil was brought up Orthodox Jewish… he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Beliefs Religion

Pray, pray very much; but beware of telling god what you want.

Beliefs God Proverbs

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Characteristics Honesty Lies

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Emotions Entertainment God Laughter

Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Honesty Truth

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion