Subject: Beliefs (Page 31)

I like the Ten Commandments, but there’s a problem with the ninth one; it should be: ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox – except in Scrabble."

(1975 – ) Irish comedian, author, musician, actor & playwright
Beliefs Religion

Heaven: The Coney Island of the Christian imagination.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Beliefs Religion

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

(1814 – 1869) American humorist
Beliefs Opinion

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Government Law Lawyers Money Opinion

What’s a cult…it just means not enough people to make a minority.

(1925 – 2006) American film director, screenwriter & producer
Beliefs People

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Beliefs Children Family Opinion

A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs Government

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Beliefs Health Religion

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics God

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God; I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

television executive & comedian
Beliefs God

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History Time Truth

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Beliefs Characteristics Opinion

I’ll not listen to reason… reason always means what someone else has got to say.

(1810 – 1865) English writer
Beliefs Opinion

The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden… it ends with Revelations.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Beliefs Books Communication

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Beliefs Honesty Lies

I wish God were alive to see this.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
God TV/Movie Quotes

I know her in the biblical sense… and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Beliefs Honesty

When you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA card—because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express.

(1939 – ) American televangelist
Beliefs God Money

The Catholics have an interesting view of sex; it is disgusting, amoral and filthy and you should save it for one you love.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian & filmmaker
Beliefs Religion Sex

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Characteristics Honesty Lies