Subject: Beliefs (Page 34)

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

If you have the facts on your side, hammer the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer the law. If you have neither the facts nor the law, hammer the table.

Facts Government Law Murphy’s Laws

He’s crooked as a barrel full of fish hooks.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty Insults

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Insults Opinion

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

(1884 – 1966) French author
Beliefs God

I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Beliefs People

A witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Characteristics Lies

I have derived continued benefit from criticism at all periods of my life and I do not remember any time when I was ever short of it.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Beliefs

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Honesty Money

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Honesty Lies People Self Truth

He lies so bad he hires somebody to call his dogs.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty Lies

What does an atheist say during an orgasm?

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Religion Sex

I wouldn’t speak to her if I met her in hell and she was carrying ice.

Expressions Insults Opinion

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

(1916 – 1997) newspaper journalist
Beliefs Religion

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.

comedian
Beliefs People

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Clothing Golf People Religion Sports

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she’s what’s known as “not at all attracted to me.”

American comedian & actor
Beliefs

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Honesty Truth

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Characteristics God Intelligence Religion