Subject: Beliefs (Page 36)

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself.

(1824 – 1895) French writer
Beliefs God Life People

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs

Fruit… it's just God showing off… “Look at all the colors I know!”

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs God

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics Honesty

I hear [soccer player] Glenn Hoddle has found God; that must have been one hell of a pass.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Beliefs God

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child; just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic
Golf Honesty Insults Intelligence Sports

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Acting Characteristics Entertainment Honesty

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Food/Drink Individuals

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Beliefs Situations

Just saw an Orthodox Jewish kid do three pull-ups… shattering the previous record.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Religion

What does an atheist say during an orgasm?

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Religion Sex

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men.

(1847 – 1922) Scottish scientist, inventor, engineer & innovator
Beliefs Communication Opinion Reading/Writing

It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone; the Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery…. you can’t masturbate without lust!

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Beliefs Misspokements Religion Sex

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant – they’re quite clear –- that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Beliefs God Government Misspokements Stupidity

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.

(1878 – 1968) American author
Beliefs Intelligence

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Beliefs Religion Shopping

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

(1884 – 1966) French author
Beliefs God

Religion – it’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

(1931 – ) Irish-American actor, writer & politician
Beliefs