Subject: Beliefs (Page 36)

I read the Book of Job last night; I don’t think God comes out of it well.

(1882 – 1941) English writer
Beliefs God

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs Religion

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Clothing Golf People Religion Sports

WTF, I thought I voted for a Muslim?!

Beliefs Religion

Our loss is their loss.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Beliefs Insults Religion

My dad was old school Jewish… not do your taxes Jewish – steal your car Jewish.

American comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Alcohol Beer Emotions Food/Drink God Happiness

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Beliefs Characteristics Religion

Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!!

Book Titles Religion

I wore flowers in my hair and meditated for hours on end. I was finding God all over the place… He kept ditching me.

(1938 – ) American actor
God TV/Movie Quotes

God don't make no mistakes… that's how He got to be God.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Beliefs God Mistakes

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer.

(1902 – 1991) Polish Jewish American author
Communication Lies Occupations Reading/Writing Work

Having something to say is overrated.

American writer
Beliefs Communication Opinion

The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

(1880 – ?) American author
Beliefs Honesty Lies Things

I’m a strict Catholic; this year I gave up abstinence for Lent.

English writer & comedian
Beliefs Religion Sex

I’m still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Beliefs Opinion

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

Never criticize Americans… they have the best taste that money can buy.

(1941 – 2008) British journalist, musician &broadcaster
America Characteristics Money Opinion People Places

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs Religion

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Emotions Entertainment God Laughter