Subject: Beliefs (Page 37)

If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.

comedian

I don’t believe in sceptics.

British writer, actor, comic & television & radio presenter

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.

(1883 – 1931) Lebanese-American artist, poet & writer

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Lutherans OK Pact With Episcopalians

Politicians are wedded to the truth, but like many other married couples they sometimes live apart.

(1870 – 1916) British writer

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

(1900 – 1983) Spanish filmmaker

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Lady Astor to Churchill: ‘Sir you’re drunk!’

Churchill’s reply: Yes, madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

(1880 – ?) American author

The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

Reparation: Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

I took a test in Existentialism; I left all the answers blank and got 100.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Many people would be more truthful were it not for their uncontrollable desire to talk.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor