Subject: Beliefs (Page 38)

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Beliefs Government Murphy’s Laws Situations

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Emotions Entertainment God

The world is a place that’s gone from being flat to round to crooked.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Crime Honesty Places World

Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

Beliefs Book Titles God

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Facts Situations

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

(1884 – 1966) French author
Beliefs God

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

(1961 – ) Canadian–American actor, voice actor, author, producer & activist
Beliefs Marriage Religion Situations

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother’s side.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Beliefs Misspokements Religion

If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs God Government

A man who calls bullshit fertilizer.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Communication Individuals Language Lies

When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs Government

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

Beliefs Honesty Proverbs Truth

Age is a function of mind over matter; if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Age Beliefs Old

Y’know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I’d go to church every Sunday.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
Beliefs

At first a golfer excuses a dismal performance by claiming bad lies; with experience, he covers up with better ones.

Beliefs Golf Honesty Lies Sports

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

A witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Characteristics Lies

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Beliefs Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Proverbs

The sound of tireless voices is the price we pay for the right to hear the music of our own opinions.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Beliefs Opinion

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion