Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 40)
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Beliefs
Food/Drink
Opinion
Bread
Ducks
Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.
Feldman's Law
Characteristics
Conflict
Honesty
Murphy’s Laws
It’s great that we’ve got a compassionate conservative, but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.
Robin Williams
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Beliefs
Government
People
Compassionate conservatives
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Characteristics
Honesty
Lies
The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs
Religion
Bible
Christianity
Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.
Lenny Clarke
(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Religion
Catholicism
I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs
Characteristics
Self
Equality
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
Slovenian Proverb
Beliefs
Honesty
Proverbs
Truth
America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men.
Alexander Graham Bell
(1847 – 1922) Scottish scientist, inventor, engineer & innovator
Beliefs
Communication
Opinion
Reading/Writing
Dishonesty
Newspapers
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics
Opinion
People
Agree
It is common sense to take a method and try it… if it fails, admit it frankly and try another; but above all, try something.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Beliefs
Success
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts. 3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
Spencer's Laws of Data
Facts
Murphy’s Laws
Decisions
Managers
A witness shall not bear
falsies
against thy neighbor.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Characteristics
Lies
Falsehoods
Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research.
Ben TargetMarket research
Beliefs
Opinion
Market research
If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.
Hugh Elliott
blogger (Standing Room Only)
Beliefs
Emotions
God
Jokes
I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.
Charles Lamb
(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs
Family
Fathers
Religion
He lies so bad he hires somebody to call his dogs.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Honesty
Lies
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities
Beliefs
Games
Frisbees
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs
People
Religion
Sex
Women
Birth control
Catholics
I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.
Alice Walker
(1944 – ) American author & activist
Beliefs
Colors
Purple
Megachurches – I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Jon Stewart
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Megachurches
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