Subject: Characteristics (Page 30)

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals Cats Characteristics People

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Animals Characteristics Life

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."

(1912 – 1989) author, critic & political activist
Characteristics Honesty Insults Lies

McKinley has a chocolate eclair backbone.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Characteristics Insults

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach
Characteristics Misspokements

Imagine being in a room filled with losers.

(1968 – ) Welsh comedian
Characteristics People

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return; it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Characteristics Honesty Money

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

There's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)
Characteristics People

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him.

(1896 – 1940) American author of novels & short stories
Characteristics Insults

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics People

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Past Situations Time

Under pressure, people admit to murder, setting fire to the village church or robbing a bank, but never to being bores.

(1883 – 1963) American writer & hostess
Characteristics

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

Characteristics Military Murphy’s Laws

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor
Characteristics

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Situations

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

comedian
Books Characteristics Communication Reading/Writing

Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Characteristics Emotions