Subject: Characteristics (Page 33)

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Entertainment People

Don't let her fool you; tangle with her and she`ll shingle your attic.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Situations

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books Characteristics Communication Reading/Writing

Only the paranoid survive.

(1936 – ) Hungarian-born American businessman, engineer & author
Characteristics People

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

(1930 – ) actor, writer, film & television director
Characteristics Health

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics People

I’m not a politician and my other habits are good, also.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist
Characteristics Government Politicians

If he fell into a pile of horse shit, he’d start looking for a pony.

Characteristics Expressions

We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Characteristics England People Places

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics Children Family

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics People Relationships

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Characteristics Insults Opinion

He is the kind of man who would cut down a redwood tree and then mount the stump to make a speech for conservation.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Characteristics Insults

He’s the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.

(1931 – ) American actress & singer
Characteristics Death Insults

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Characteristics Life World

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Honesty Truth