Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Characteristics
(Page 36)
If you go to any book store and look at any book on marriage, you'll see at least one photo of me about to put an ice tray with only one ice cube left in it back into the refrigerator.
Darrell Hammond
(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Characteristics
Husbands
Marriage
Bad
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
Mel Brooks
(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
Characteristics
Communication
Speech
Bad taste
Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
America
Characteristics
Definitions
Places
Un-American
Let the others have the charisma, I've got the class.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Characteristics
Charisma
Class
Isn't it possible for them to get a real fascist instead of this guy who plays one on TV?
Mort Sahl
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics
Communication
Television
Criticism
Sean Hannity
The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it.
Harold Rome
(1908 – 1993) American composer, lyricist & writer
Characteristics
Time
Punctuality
I don’t drink, I’m a totalitarian.
Jane Sherwood Ace
(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Alcohol
Characteristics
Food/Drink
Misspokements
Are you so unobservant that you do not yet realize that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Emotions
Happiness
Impossible
Sanity
I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics
People
Prejudices
Politeness is half good manners and half good lying.
Mary Wilson Little
(1880 – ?) American author
Characteristics
Lies
Good
Manners
Politeness
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball
Characteristics
Yogi-isms
Mental
Physical
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics
People
Pessimists
You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”
Anonymous
Characteristics
Situations
Diplomacy
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope; then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
Mort Sahl
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics
People
Richard Nixon
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keillor
(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics
Intelligence
Situations
Denial
Reality
Tolerance: That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after all.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Characteristics
Definitions
Tolerance
I’ve never seen a man so low and
depaved.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Characteristics
Malaprops
Depraved
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
W. Somerset Maugham
(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Characteristics
Mediocrity
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
Bill Vaughn
(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Characteristics
Education
Learning
Problems
Time
Day
Wrong
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
Walt Kelly
(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist
(Pogo)
Characteristics
Situations
Opportunities
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Stanisław Lec
(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Characteristics
Patience
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