Subject: Characteristics (Page 47)

Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.

Body Characteristics Definitions People

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'!

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

Reputation is character minus what you’ve been caught doing.

American comedian, writer, consultant & author
Characteristics

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

I need to develop some patience — immediately.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

There is such a thing as too much couth.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Characteristics

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Characteristics Honesty Lies Science/Weather

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Characteristics Hollywood Places Time

Aren’t I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Life

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Honesty Truth

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Beliefs Characteristics Opinion

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.

(1922 – 2007) American novelist
Characteristics People

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator…. he didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics People Time

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws

In 1969 I published a small book on Humility; it was a pioneering work which has not, to my knowledge, been superseded.


Characteristics

Maybe money corrupts the character; but lack of money isn't going to improve it either.

(1902 – 1968) novelist
Characteristics Money

May you be cursed with chronic anxiety about the weather.

(1837 – 1921) naturalist & essayist
Characteristics Science/Weather

Forgive your enemies… if you can’t get back at them any other way.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics

The tragedy of marriage is that while all women marry thinking that their man will change, all men marry believing their wife will never change.

(1929 – ) British military historian, cook book writer & novelist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage Wives

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Characteristics Children Family Fathers