Subject: Classifieds (Page 13)

Buy one restraining order, get one free!

Classifieds

Dear recently-expired subscriber…

Classifieds

IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! Anyone who has had a bone scan within the last 5 years where your knees have been strapped to your crotch with a 6” belt, please call (815) 522-….

Classifieds

Channel 16 temporarily off the air due to technical improvements

Classifieds

SITUATIONS WANTED – WILL CLEAN your home, will take in washing & ironing in my home. Will also tattoo pet dog at your home. 297-….

Classifieds

Sewer / Manhole Repair Worker – experienced only. Immediate opening.

Classifieds

FREE Rent in exchange for elderly woman 319-233-….

Classifieds

Silk? Tweed? Hopsack? Worsted? No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Classifieds

This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 5436.

Classifieds

FREE PUPPIES… part German shepherd, part dog

Classifieds

Allan’s Aquarium & Pet Center – After-Easter Tarantulas – The Gift for the Person Who Has Everything…

Classifieds

Car Sitting Services: Are you going away for a long trip? Are you afraid your car will be lonely, or worse yet, stolen!? I can protect your car and take it for long drives to keep it company. I can even drop you off and pick you up at the airport using your car (at my convenience)! Cheap rates! Call [telephone] and ask for One-tooth Tony.

Classifieds

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Classifieds

Food Stamps Excepted [sic]

Classifieds

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR COW? Female, Black with white face. Red tag in her ear. She was last seen on County Rd. 45. Please call Ann Smith at…

Classifieds

Cows, calves never bred… also 1 gay bull for sale.

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WANTED: Part-Time secretary with wisdom of Deborah, dedication of Dorcas, stay cool under fire like Shadrach, imagination of the prophets, capabilities of all scribes.

Classifieds

Sewing-machine mechanic to work in ladies' housecoats.  Good wages and working conditions.

Classifieds

$5 – Lubriderm lotion – scented or seriously scented 10 oz.

Classifieds

To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I'm just another cross-dressing pharmacist. Male, 41.

Classifieds

BOX OF Twinkies, 10 years old, two missing, rest have cream filling sucked out, $5. Call 217-….

Classifieds