Subject: Classifieds (Page 22)

WANTED – Workaholic for special department, all shifts. Highly reliable – no vacation or sick leave. Must be flexible, intelligent and friendly.

Wanted: Tudor [sic] needed for help in English class.

Mercury Fish & Chips

Going back to school was the best thing I ever done.

FAMILY SEEKING energetic, young woman. Dedicated, responsible, family oriented, as permanent live-in provider, assistant, companion, concubine. Compensation negotiable.

HELP WANTED – PlayStation Brand Ambassador

BRAND NEW/NEVER USED Kenmore Gas Stove. Needs to be put back together after falling out of pickup at 70 MPH. Any offer accepted. Call Brian at…

VACATION SPECIAL: have your home exterminated.

Earn up to $30,000 – and more!

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7–$9 per hour.

Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

PIG – I saw you at Tiki Bobs. You grabbed my butt and I told you if you did that again I’d kill you. You did. I need your address now. Phone…

UPTIGHT GRAND PIANO HARRINGTON. $150/…

Bet us your letter of business translation do. Every people in our staffing know English like the hand of their back. Up to the minuet wise-street phrases, don't you know, old boy.

Christmas Sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

WANTED – Workaholic for special department, all shifts. Highly reliable – no vacation or sick leave. Must be flexible, intelligent and friendly.

Design House Furniture Galleries FATHER’S DAY CHAIR SALE 30 to 50 % off list price – Give Father His Own Electric Chair…

You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, have the looks of Herve Villechaize and an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321.

REWARD FOR RETURNING DOG – Answers to Bight Eyes – $50 if alive, $25 if dead – Theresa Lamar – Phone… Leave message.