Subject: Communication » Language (Page 17)

If you substitute damn every time you’re inclined to write very your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Interviewer: You’ve been accused of vulgarity.
Brooks: Bullshit!

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer

Just between you and I, case is important.

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If you don't know what a mammogram is, it is not a woman with big breasts who works for Western Union.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

We have long passed the Victorian Era when asterisks were followed after a certain interval by a baby.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

If I seem out of it tonight, it's 'cause I'm hooked on phonics.

comedian

Interpreter: A ventriloquist using two dummies.

Studying literature at Harvard is like learning about women at the Mayo Clinic.

(1941) American writer & humorist

Our language is funny – a fat chance and slim chance are the same thing.

Latin Course To Be Canceled – No Interest Among Students, et al.

The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort; 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'

stand-up comedian & actor

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Satire is focused bitterness.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist