Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Wednesday, February 19, 2025
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Subject:
Communication
(Page 14)
Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Places
Speech
Australia
I can tell I’m getting old because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.
Ali Wong
(1982 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & writer
Age
Books
Old
Reading/Writing
Kindle
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication
Death
Family
Language
Last words
Grandfathers
Truck
Be careful about reading health books for you may die of a misprint.
Markus Herz
(1747 – 1803) German Jewish physician & lecturer on philosophy
Books
Communication
Death
Health
Reading/Writing
Misprint
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
Marilyn Pittman
comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers
Language
Sex
Things
Farmer: A handy man with a sense of humus.
Anonymous
Definitions
Wordplay
Farmer
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Dating
Telephone
Outspoken? By whom?
Dorothy Parker
(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Communication
Speech
Talking
When told by a fellow guest that their hostess was outspoken
Ya better keep a
civilian
tongue in your head.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Communication
Malaprops
Speech
Civil tongue
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities
Communication
Language
Work
Conditions
Play
Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Occupations
Wordplay
Work
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Communication
Language
Hot water
Ice
Skating
When life gets you down, make a comforter.
Bo Burnham
American comedian
Communication
Wordplay
Down
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor
Books
Communication
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Reading/Writing
A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
Bertrand Russell
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Communication
Intelligence
I believe in talking behind peoples’ backs; that way, they hear it more than once.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication
Speech
Gossip
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Coward
Studying literature at Harvard is like learning about women at the Mayo Clinic.
Roy Blount, Jr.
(1941) American writer & humorist
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Literature Harvard
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet.
Ann Landers
(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Communication
Speech
Thought
I can read minds but, it’s pointless cause I’m illiterate.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Intelligence
Reading/Writing
Illiterate
Mind reading
Her tongue is so long she could lick a skillet from the front porch.
Country expression
Communication
Speech
On a gossippy female
Page 14 of 86
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