Subject: Communication (Page 31)

If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I was in a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was; she said, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”

comedian

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There are two sides to every argument, and they’re usually married to each other.

Judge: A man in a trying position.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Never in the ring of human conflict have so few taken so much from so many.

American boxer

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.

(1905 – 1977) American actress

It was hard to have a conversation with anyone; there were so many people talking.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Write drunk; edit sober.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

You ever read a book that changed your life? … me neither.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist