Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Communication
(Page 31)
If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Communication
Intelligence
Speech
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Proverb
Communication
Fools
Intelligence
Proverbs
Speech
I was in a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was; she said, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”
Brian Kiley
comedian
Books
Communication
Self-help
I married way too young… she was Chinese.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
There are two sides to every argument, and they’re usually married to each other.
Anonymous
Communication
Conflict
Marriage
Speech
Arguments
Judge: A man in a trying position.
Anonymous
Definitions
Wordplay
Judge
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication
Government
Intelligence
People
Reading/Writing
Juries
Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.
Phil Palisoul
(1963 – ) American comedian
Activities
Language
Sex
Never in the ring of human conflict have so few taken so much from so many.
Saoul Mamby
American boxer
Boxing
Sports
Wordplay
On managers and promoters
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
Dan Quayle
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements
Mistakes
People
Self
Speech
Dan Quayle
Misquotes
He who shouts loudest has the floor.
Swipple's Rule of Order
Communication
Murphy’s Laws
Speech
Meetings
Shouting
Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
Alexander Woollcott
(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator
Characteristics
Language
Sex
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson
(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Communication
Reading/Writing
Reviews/Criticism
Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics
Communication
Definitions
Language
Mercy
I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
Joan Crawford
(1905 – 1977) American actress
Communication
People
Criticism
On Judy Garland
It was hard to have a conversation with anyone; there were so many people talking.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Communication
Conversation
Speech
Yogi-isms
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication
Situations
Discussions
Monkey
Organ grinder
I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication
Occupations
Work
Editors
Newspapers
Write drunk; edit sober.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Communication
Reading/Writing
Editing
You ever read a book that changed your life? … me neither.
Jim Gaffigan
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Books
Communication
University: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Education
Football
Language
School
University
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