Subject: Communication (Page 48)

If I look confused it is because I am thinking.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Appearance Intelligence Misspokements Speech Thinking

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Characteristics Communication

It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Wordplay

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Activities Language Sex

If you lend someone an ear, don’t expect to be repaid with interest.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication

The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort; 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'

stand-up comedian & actor
Language Science/Weather

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Beliefs Communication Murphy’s Laws

All books over five hundred pages that weren’t written by Dickens or a dead Russian are better left on the shelf.

journalist & author
Books Reviews/Criticism

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Communication Insults Murphy’s Laws

During an election campaign the air is full of speeches and vice versa.

(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist
Communication Elections/Voting Government Speech

When in doubt, ascribe all quotations to Bernard Shaw.

(1944 – ) English writer & broadcaster
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Communication Language Money

The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have – like, for example, 'beef.'

(1960 – ) American comedian
Communication Definitions Food/Drink Language

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.

Communication Definitions Language

Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing – nobody listens—and then everybody disagrees.

(1898 – 1967) Russian writer
Communication Congress Government Speech

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.

(1925 – 2013) British prime minister & politician
Communication

Theodore Dreiser should ought to write nicer.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Reviews/Criticism Wordplay

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

A good review is considered nepotism; a bad one professional jealousy.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Opinion

If I seem out of it tonight, it's 'cause I'm hooked on phonics.

comedian
Communication Drugs Language