Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Tuesday, March 4, 2025
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Subject:
Communication
(Page 54)
If Miss means respectably unmarried, and Mrs. respectably married, then Ms. means nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Angela Carter
(1940 – 1992) English writer
Language
Marriage
Sex
If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Chico Resch
(1958 – ) Canadian hockey player & announcer
Communication
Misspokements
Speech
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Books
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Dictionary
She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
Julie Andrews
(1935 – ) British actress, singer & author
Communication
Criticism
On columnist Joyce Haber
Surgery
Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics
Communication
Definitions
Language
Mercy
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Lieberman's Law
Characteristics
Communication
Honesty
Lies
Murphy’s Laws
Listening
A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Health
Language
Agoraphobia
I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay
Dyslexia
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
The 19 Rules for Good Riting - 4
Communication
Language
Murphy’s Laws
Reading/Writing
People say satire is dead; it's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
Robin Williams
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Communication
Government
Insults
Ronald Reagan
Satire
A clever remark is one you don’t make at the appropriate moment but compose immediately after.
Aunt Emmie’s Second Law
Communication
Murphy’s Laws
Speech
From Owen Elliott’s Aunt Emmie
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication
Language
Grammar
I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.
Garry Shandling
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Characteristics
Communication
Sex
Shyness
Telephone
I dislike arguments of any kind; they are always vulgar, and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Communication
Aarguments
When the Iraq war started … little did George Bush know.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict
Intelligence
Language
George W. Bush
Iraq War
With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.
Bette Davis
(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Communication
Death
Reading/Writing
Newspapers
Publicity
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Communication
Occupations
Reading/Writing
Work
Historians
Novelist
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas
(1900 – 1986) American teacher & translator
Books
Reviews/Criticism
Having to read a footnote resembles having to go downstairs to answer the door while in the midst of making love.
Noel Coward
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Communication
Reading/Writing
Footnotes
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales.
Stephen Hawking
(1942 – 2018) English physicist
Books
Communication
Equations
Propaganda: Patriotism as practiced by our enemies.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Propaganda
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