Subject: Communication (Page 75)

I went to [a bookstore] and asked the woman for a book about turtles; she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah, and little heads.

British comedian
Books Communication Wordplay

I would worship the ground you walk on, Audrey, if you only lived in a better neighborhood.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Speech

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Communication Conversation Speech

If the doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I’d type a little faster.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor
Communication Reading/Writing

“Good morning” is a contradiction of terms.

(1945 –) American cartoonist (Garfield)
Communication Language

Before the invention of the alphabet, filing was impossible… or very easy.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Communication Language

Boy, those French… they have a different word for everything!

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Language

The future will be better tomorrow.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Communication Future Misspokements Speech

Smuggler: One who neglects his duty to his country.

Definitions Wordplay

Everything I’ve ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Communication

I didn’t really say everything I said.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Communication Speech Yogi-isms

Peeping Tom: A window fan.

Definitions Wordplay

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Communication Reading/Writing

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Wordplay

The Houston Astros play in a vast indoor stadium known as the Astrodome, but the problem is they field a half-vast team.

American baseball player
Baseball Sports Wordplay

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author
Books Children Communication Family Life Reading/Writing Sex

A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication

I drink therefore I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay