Subject: Conflict (Page 11)

Most people assume the fights are going to be the left versus the right, but it always is the reasonable versus the jerks.

(1966 – ) entrepreneur, founder of Wikipedia
Beliefs Conflict Fights

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.


(1934 – 2012) American army general
Conflict Places War

The streets are safe in Philadelphia – it’s only the people who make them unsafe.

(1920 – 1991) American police officer & mayor of Philadelphia
Conflict Crime Misspokements Places

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Animals Arms Government Things

Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Crime Definitions

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals Conflict

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Crime Government Law

Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s – as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Conflict Crime

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students… there were no survivors.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Arms Conflict

Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.

(1932 – ) American businessman & U.S. Secretary of Defense
Conflict Death War

I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off, and that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

stand-up comedian & writer
Conflict Situations Work

Have you heard about the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? … I admire her restraint.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Conflict Marriage Wives

Claim victory and retreat.

Conflict Murphy’s Laws War

I haven’t heard the president state that we’re at war… that’s why I too am not knowing… do we use the term intervention?… do we use war?… do we use squirmish?… what is it?

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Conflict Misspokements

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Alcohol Conflict Death Food/Drink Killing

Shoplifting: Free enterprise.

Conflict Crime Definitions

Tracers work BOTH ways.

Arms Military Murphy’s Laws

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

In a war of ideas it is people who get killed.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Conflict Ideas Intelligence War

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Things

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Conflict Crime