Subject: Conflict (Page 9)

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Arms Speech Things

Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

(1890 – 1970) American engineer
Conflict Crime

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals Conflict

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool; he who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Conflict People Self

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

The scariest guy in prison is the white guy… because he's guilty.

American comedian
Conflict Crime Law People

We know how much fans enjoy a good brawl, so we are going to guarantee a fight. If there is not a single five-minute fighting major given to a player, every fan in attendance will receive a free ticket to the following home game.

Conflict Fights Hockey Sports

As through this world I've wandered I've seen lots of funny men; some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen.

(1912 – 1967) American singer-songwriter & folk musician
Communication Conflict Crime Reading/Writing

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Individuals Killing People

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

(1936 – ) American politician, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
Conflict Crime Misspokements

You might be a redneck if… you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Conflict Fights People Rednecks

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Animals Arms Government Things

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Conflict Crime People

Never worry about the bullet with your name on it; instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant.’

Conflict Government Military Murphy’s Laws War

Murder is a crime – describing murder is not; sex is not a crime – describing sex is.

(1917 – 1999) American sexologist
Communication Conflict Crime Language Reading/Writing

Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Crime Definitions

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

Desert combat?… I can't even stand the walk back from the beach to the car.

comedian, television host & actor
Conflict War