Subject: Death (Page 21)

The reason so many people turned up at his funeral was to make sure he was dead.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Death Insults

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.

(1945 – 1997) American novelist & scholar
Death Situations

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

(1834 – 1928) American attorney for Cornelius Vanderbilt
Activities Death Exercise

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

The best way to get praise is to die.

Death Proverbs

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.

(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite
Death People Things

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Death Exaggerations

Please put out the light.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Last words

Go away. I'm all right.

(1866 – 1946) English author
Last words

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

How many people died from the Kama Sutra, as opposed to the Bible?

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs Death

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Death Future Intelligence Time

Surprise me!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Death Yogi-isms

There comes a time in every man’s life… and I’ve had many of them.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Communication Death Misspokements Speech Time

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Health

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Death Life

He can be lethal death.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Death Misspokements

If you stop eating donuts you will live three years longer; it’s just three more years that you want a donut.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Death Food/Drink Life

I’m afraid I’m being an awful nuisance.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
Death Last words