Subject: Death (Page 27)

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

Surprise me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Last words

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Time

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist
Death Situations

We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Death Ugly

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Death

Traffic Dead Rise Slowly

Death Headlines

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

Age Death Murphy’s Laws Old

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist
Death Relationships

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle… unless you die of something.

(1935 – ) American cartoonist
Beliefs Death God Life Problems

Sergeant, the Spanish bullet isn't made that will kill me.

(1860 – 1898) American soldier with the Rough Riders, sheriff, newspaper editor, politician, gambler & lawyer
Last words

Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Last words

A king should die standing.

(1755 – 1824) King of France
Last words

If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

(1956 – ) author & movie actress
Death

When you have told anyone you have left him a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Death

It's stopped.

(1791 – 1863) English surgeon & literary executor of Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Last words

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death Life

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been discontinued.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Death Epitaphs

Give me immortality or death.

Death Life